Just do you

I'm Amber, 22, LA.
hmu

Wow 2013 was the worst year by far what a waste of my miserable life…

Lately I’ve been feeling pretty depressed pretty shitty, I guess I’m starting to remember what a waste I am…I’m so pathetic I don’t even know why I even have a blog or anything for that matter Its not like I’m doing anything w/my life. I’m literally just here like a bum..I hate myself a lot sometimes wondering y on Earth am I even fucking here. In other words I’m feeling suicidal again & it’s scaring me I’m scaring myself. FML. I just want to end it again, but I know I can’t or else people will be “sad” & will hate me for it. But I don’t get that, I mean how can anybody be sad about losing someone who isn’t anything but an object taking up space & air doing absolutely nothing productive or successful w/their life? I mean I literally don’t matter anymore. It’s been almost 4yrs since I’ve graduated high school & look at me I’ve done nothing successful in that time. If anything I’v lost things that mattered to me. I have no diploma or degree in anything & everyone around I know has graduated or are about to graduate even ppl who graduated the yr after me from high school are doing better than me, like wtf?! As for me I’ve only been here stuck & lost & I can’t find my way. I honestly don’t know how my folks can even look at me. I can’t seem to fkn figure out anything & I don’t know how to do anything. I can’t figure out school I always panic & get all stressed & emotional to the point where I stay in bed all fkn day & can’t think straight, I can’t fkn handle a normal adult life so wtf am I alive for? I don’t have a fkn job cause I’m not good at anything & have no experience in anything. I can’t fkn be a security guard (my old job) anymore since I messed up my foot & I can’t even take care of myself properly. I am literally the hugest disappointment ever, just nobody gets me. Sometimes I imagine myself walking cross a street on a cell phone or something & then BAM it’s all over & a bus ends all of it…I just don’t wana be here anymore I’m not motivated or anything, in fact I’m lazy & tired all the time, I’m just a dreamer & that’s all I’ll ever be just a dreamer..nothing more :’( I just don’t see the point anymore, no matter how hard I try to pick myself I fail & fail & fail…

…Just like that… </3

I broke…

in front of my mom, it was the 1st time she’s seen me vulnerable. I usually act tough in front of her & the rest of my family. For my family you have to be strong, if you show any sign of weakness they attack you by using harsh words that make you feel like there’s a knife ripping you to shreds. I just couldn’t take it anymore, all the negativity & pressure, I just broke. I’m so depressed it hurts. I fight the urge to take pills to numb myself, I don’t ever want to go back to doing that, ever. I mean it’s bad enough I have people outside my family that make me feel less about myself here & there. Last thing I need is my family adding to the shit. Aren’t families suppose to support you and help you? It’s soo tiring to feel like I’m fighting off the rest of the world by myself, but it wasn’t always like that. For a long while it use to be me & HER against the world, she was the only 1 that mattered & still does to me…but she left me…now it’s just me… & I’m alone.

Anyways, my mom said, “You’re lazy, you’re stupid, you don’t do anything, & you’re always tired, & wth are you tired of? you’re young you shouldn’t be like that, get your ass up & work out, stop blaming the world for your shit, you are your solution, you’re never going to get anywhere by just sitting there, you have so many problems & you dont even try to fix them.”  I did the only thing I could do, I told her the truth, “That’s not true, I do try, I try all the time when you guys aren’t here cause you guys just put me down & criticize me whenever you see me trying to do something. But no matter what I do it’s never good enough…not for you…not any1. I’m always tired no matter what I do, I try, & I try, & I become even more tired, it’s a never ending feeling of exhaustion. & I’m always depressed. I’m not blaming any1 or the world for my problems & you think I don’t know that “I’m my soultion” really mom? you think I’m that dumb. It’s just really hard & you guys don’t make it any better. So yes mom, I do have problems more than you even know. But I don’t talk to you about them cause your quick to judge & you don’t even bother to listen. So of course how are you suppose to know. You teach Aaron(bro) & Jules(sis) to talk down to people who are trying to better themselves, like you’re any better. The only 1 who even shows me appreciation or gratitude to me in this family is dad cause he’s easier to talk to & he doesn’t always put me down like you do, sometimes he actually tells me he’s proud of me. You only put me down & make me feel stupid, like I’m nothing.” She shut up & then came to hug me while I cried like a baby in her arms.  She said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know, don’t cry baby, I only talk to you like that to help you so you’ll be strong, you always look so strong, you set an example for the kids, I’ll be more considerate, we’ll take care of you, we’ll get you help, we’ll get you a doctor if we have to.” Lastly I said, “Well no mom it doesn’t help me, it only makes things worse.” & that was it.